Chew On This

Yesterday's events still had me pretty jaded for the better part of the day. Luckily, I figured out why I was so upset. Last night I was supposed to hang out with my friend, Ivan, and that got derailed by James and that stupid kitten. I was so worked up about it I didn't put together Ivan never called. I got stood up. He will pay for it when scheduling allows.

During my shift I saw a perfect example of how to ruin a perfectly good date and how to wine and dine a girl straight into the bathroom stall in the restroom. Yeah, this guy was that freakin' charming. I was trying to weasel an invite to join them after their dinner but no dice. Not this time- I'll get in there, eventually. Meanwhile the guy at table 7 blew any chance he had of getting anywhere with this girl for so many reasons.

Guys, pay attention. Let me present HOW TO IMPRESS A GIRL and HOW TO DISGUST A GIRL on a date.

DO- When you are seated, make sure the girl is seated in the most flattering light, the seat that makes her shine like a diamond in an otherwise dark lounge.

DON'T- Do not opt for a seat that gives you the best view of the game or the table of young blondes across the room. You don't think she noticed? She sized them up the moment the two of you walked in. That's what we do- us women are competitive little beasts. (PS- that little eye-popping thing you did when you caught sight of the cleavage on the tall one, your date noticed that, too.)

DO- Know you to pronounce the wines and inquire about our premium vodka for martinis. Do your homework and order with confidence. This guy made drink suggestions that made her eyes light up.

DON'T- Order beer unless she does. Oh, and when you ask what imported beers they have don't use Bud Lite as an example. That's domestic. In Hell. Also, if she orders a Bacardi and Coke don't interrupt and ask if there's a special on well-drinks. Shit, does she need your permission to use the bathroom, too?

DO- Ask her what she's thinking about having for dinner. Show you're interested and commend her on her excellent taste.

DON'T- If you don't like seafood, don't order it. Also, DON'T tell her that if she orders calamari she'll have to sit at another table. And if you have the balls to say that, you better say "just kidding!" and mean it. That's right douche bag, by the time you ripped apart every food selection she made, your date had already moved to the drink menu. I don't blame her- she'd need to be drunk to get through this evening.

DO- Make interesting small talk while waiting for your food.

DON'T- Keep your eyes glued to your cell phone reciting sport stats. While you were scanning the stats, she was looking for a quick getaway. Hell, you're not paying attention, she could have left anytime.

DO- Offer to let her taste your food. He gave her a little bite of his steak and she worked that fork. It was suggestive and subtle and could have been a commercial for the beef council. He never asked to taste her halibut but it was a great set up for the rest of the night. She asked, "You're sure you don't want a little taste?" He smiled this hot smile and she got the message. Taste, yes. An item on the plate? No.

DON'T- Get angry with her for taking a french fry and then tell her your pet peeve is people who steal food. The look on her face was like when I yelled at that kitten this morning for not using its litter box. AND- when I come by to ask you how everything is, this is not an invite to pick apart everything you don't like. You prefer a sesame bun vs. a house baked kaiser roll for your kobe beef hamburger? Go to McDonald's. You're not impressing her by whining.

DO- Order desert. Even if it's tiny, just a morsel. Even better, an after dinner drink. This guy had a strategy. He promised her he'd help her eat desert- chocolate pots de creme. Then he asked for Remy Martin. Hot. This way she got to have the whole desert which is what she wanted to begin with.

DON'T- When I ask if you saved room for desert, don't tell her that the two of you can swing by 7-11 if she wants.

DO- Tip 20%.

DON'T- Embarras her by shoving $5 under the receipt on a $40 ticket. Yeah, I heard you tell her "that's way too much" when she said she had a few dollars to add. I know, you were hoping she'd pick up the bill for your slurpee and 7-11.

These are basics. Oh, yeah, also- help her with her coat, learn how to use your silverware, and for the love of God- don't talk with your mouth full of food. Walk Didn't your mother teach you these things? No? Lies. You weren't paying attention.